Dear Betrayer

July 20, 2020

Dear Abuser,

I am not even sure how to begin. I just know I need to say what happened~ that I didn’t even know was happening.

From the onset of our relationship I can only now see the abusive ways I was treated by you. Perhaps unknowingly.

Perhaps not.

Being a hungry for love teen girl and not being taught how to stand up for myself, I tolerated this abusive behavior over and over and over again and again and again. I remember the first time I laid my eyes on you… I was way to young to be interested in boys.. I believe God meant for us to be united one day in the future because I never saw you again until we went on the youth group canoe trip where I fell in love with you. I remember when I jumped up on the picnic table bench to stand next to you around the fire. I remember being cold despite it being mid July, although we were near to Canada…. As I put my cold hand upon your jean jacket collar, I felt no resistance… and soon I felt the incredible feeling of reciprocation as you slipped your right arm around my waist. I felt connected to you. It was dark and no one knew or saw what was happening… outwardly or inwardly. I was just 14 3/4. You were 16 ¾. This was 1977 ~ I learned that another boy on the trip liked me, I was having none of that, you were the boy for me! A couple of nites later our group got split up because the campsite was not big enuf…. Somehow, we both managed to end up on the other site, I was with my sister and another gal and you were in the tent with the pastor and one other tent…. We were the last ones at the campfire… we went to sit at the lakes edge and there cuddled and kissed until Guy was hollering for you to get inside the tent… the moon was two hands past …. Maybe that is why I am fascinated with the moon…. Things are always different on trips, theres closeness, camaraderie, a connectedness that goes along with events as such. Oh and, the skinny dipping on the trip… I really believed you had eyes just for me, I felt special and never wanted that feeling to end. Perhaps I have been chasing that ever since and why I have continued to put up with your abusive behaviors.

These are precious memories of our beginnings. Not to mention the first time we all went caroling and I wanted to be in your mom’s car and we ended up in each other’s mom’s car.

After we got home from the canoe trip, of course I desired to see you more… the feelings I felt were all the time, it’s like I could not stop thinking about you. I must have talked to my Mom about you and she told me I was not old enuf yet to date… once I was 15… in just 6 weeks I would be allowed to do so. It was a loooong ten weeks to my birthday. What made it easier is that my school’s homecoming dance just happened to be upon my 15th birthday! I got the dress, don’t even recall it… you picked me up and took me to Nickelow’s for dinner. You wanted to order a drink and were carded… we ate and went onto the school… we weren’t there long… guess you didn’t like to dance.. or maybe you didn’t like me…. Don’t know which. You wanted to leave so we did…. You wanted to go get high (but didn’t have any pot) and make out… I’m not sure if this was when you took me to the Crystal airport to make out or not…. That didn’t work out so well either as security came and chased us out…

I believe the evening ended early… dropped off out front, didn’t even walk me to the door… not really what I had in mind for the evening… after that I waited to hear from you again … when I didn’t, despite my mother’s insistence about letting the boy call me, I did not heed her correction. Because you went to school and went to work after that I would try to call you after school before work only to have your Dad answer and gruffly say you weren’t home.

This was your Senior year of High School~ there were a couple of times we got together, more so, you’d come over after work and we’d make out a bit… once we were almost busted with our pants down by my Dad. One day I called to see if we could double date, we were gonna set up your buddy Jay with my best friend Chris… She and I made our way out to Crystal via walking and the bus and walking some more. Once we arrived, Jay was there and we all got in the car only to have you drop us off and the two of you went on to go bowling by yourselves.. or maybe with some other girls at church… it was befuddling to say the least, dumped, dooped and stood up. At least you drove us home.

There was the candlelight Christmas service… my family was sitting in a row and there was room for you to sit on the end next to me… but in you came with Carolyn, Cheryl and sat down with them right in the pew in front of me… I felt devastated, I felt unchosen, disregarded as if I was ok to be with me, but not at church. You chose to be with them while abandoning me. I cried as I tried to enjoy the service.

It was New Years Eve and I went dancing with my family, it was planned to call you at midnight to tell you Happy New Year at work…. I did, I ended my greeting with I love you! After that when I called your house you never called back…. It was a couple of months into the New Year when I finally caught up with you. I asked if you didn’t like me anymore... your reply was “not as much as before” and no longer wanted to see me. I was so sad…. You took someone else to Prom…. My brother set me up with Paul… we dated and all he heard about was Duane. He wanted to have sex with me just before graduation, I declined wanting to be with you. (I wonder if that is every boys goal, to get laid before graduating, you too perhaps and you did? What she don’t know won’t her her, eh?!.)

Next time I saw you was in June at the Canoe trip fund raiser. You had the new truck you spoke of when we were going out and asked if I’d like to take a ride…. I had been waiting for Paul to show up and since he hadn’t I wondered if he would so I chose to jump in the truck with you. You drove me all the way to the end of Penn Ave. It was cool until we arrived back to the church.. there was Paul sitting eating strawberries and ice cream… when I came up behind him to hug him he flew into a rage and left…. You did not stand up for me, comfort me or offer me a ride home…. I was scared and confused. Technically we were not dating so maybe it was not your responsibility to protect and or comfort me.

This is the day I God saved me from deaths door!. 40 bac ~ .50 was death

BUT GOD!

In counseling I shared how I wanted to date you again because I loved you, you had not given me the alcohol as was presumed, I actually hadn’t drank with you at all… my parents agreed if you would come to the house and chat with them we could possibly go out… you boasted years later that you were high when you came over and they didn’t even know it… is that disrespect? Was that the truth? We went out somewhere together that day with my parents blessing.

You were having a party at your apartment…. My girlfriend Bridget was with me… we climbed your balcony to get your attention to let us in… there were maybe 15 people there… some of us were giving back rubs in your bedroom, your buddy tried to feel me out… and you stood by and did nothing to stop it, like kicking him out nor did you come to my aid. Because I drank I did not want to drive home so I asked you if you’d drive and have you roommate Terry drive too so you could get back home. Bridget rode with him while you and I were in my parents car. You had a hard time parking it so you got out so I could do it. In the meantime, you jumped in the car with Terry and when I got up to the window, here you are with Bridget on your lap kissing each other… how could you, my girlfriend right in front of me.. no apologies… your buddy felt bad for me. No regrets no acknowledgements to follow… Since she was sleeping over that nite I had to sleep with her. I think it was that nite that I first knew hatred in my heart…. It seemed ok to do what you wanted with whomever you wanted at my expense. I never hung out with her again. But you, I still wanted despite the mistreatment, I was told, he was drunk, just like Judnich, the guy who was trying for YOUR girlfriend, as if alcohol excuses betrayal. Guess I bought it hook line and sinker! Was I really your girlfriend? Is that how a man treats his girl? Or was it all really just a game for you from the beginning? I wonder?

There were so many times I felt betrayed.. less than, un-chosen, devalued, unimportant to you… telling Mom we were pregnant, or rather choosing not to tell her, or that we were engaged or going to be married …. Oh my God I can feel the rejection of it all now… you were more afraid of your mother’s response that your dedication or love for me… how could you deny me in such a horrible way…. I called your Mom and then she said she didn’t believe me.. as if I was making it up…. Your family thought I trapped you into marriage… never once have you stood up to your family to tell them you loved and chose me… maybe you really didn’t love me.. maybe they were right.. you were just doing the RIGHT thing… at least you wanted to keep the baby… and you had written what you wanted to do in my yearbook..

You never even asked me if I would marry you… maybe I jumped the gun when I asked you if the yearbook writings were a proposal… you responded, I spose, I accepted, was I the fool or blinded by love? And the subsequent jokes about dragging you to the jewelers…. As I recall you drove us to Brookdale and had me pick out what I wanted. Would a man who was not really wanting that do that, spend 350 dollars on rings? It wasn’t funny to me to hear you say or agree with your family that you were trapped…. I recall you saying you wanted a family as soon as you could get it…

That was in June of 1979…. And by September I was with your child.

Our wedding day to say the least was disastrous. Our honeymoon was a joke as well and yet, I put up with all the shenanigans. We lived at my parents. We were looking at apartments so we could be on our own and suddenly your dad became your best friend because he was going to borrow us money to put down on a house his buddy was selling. I got to pick the carpet color, woo-hoo… and the day we moved in you abandoned me again for work… I was left to unload everything so you could go off to work….

Then you started staying out after work without letting me know..and assumed the worst when you arrived home to see me waiting up for you.. I was scared to death and you were pissed believing I was like your mother. I was not she…

40 years later you tell me this truth that you “KISSED” a woman at the Normandy (and most your other work places too)…. Your unfaithfulness has been from even before we were married… the Halloween party where I saw you flirting with her… the drinking after work in the parking ramp… no regard for your family at home, you were a selfish pig…. And there was no talking about it, I was expected to put up and shut up… I believe there were many others that you were fantasizing about. I walked into the bathroom once and saw you masturbating, with your hand on your cock you denied it! REALLY? For a couple in their early 20’s sexlessness should not be. Or, should be a RED FLAG that there is something terribly amiss! I not only felt rejected and neglected, I was. I tried to address your lack of desire for me and you told me if my _ _ _ _ _ were bigger you’d be more interested, yeah, like your old church girlfriend …. I’m so glad we could not afford to have a breast enlargement, but I sure did entertain the idea… then there was the day you ran to the store and came home with both the church girls, being so proud to show them your new HOUSE.. no never mind how that might impact me.. and when I told you I didn’t appreciate that and NEVER to do that again I was met with basically a F you, get over it. That wound, rejection, preferring other women over me was deep and painful. I yet wonder if it was she you gave your virginity to… just another lie that you were saving yourself. The way you spoke of her and paid attention to her even when we were at Parkway at a Christmas service and your Dad’s funeral eight years ago gave rise for concern.

I know I will not be able to, or want to chronicle every abusive situation as there are too many to count. What I did not know then, I now know.

Praise God my eyes were finally opened to see that I not only deserved to be treated with kindness, dignity, compassion, love and respect~ I was brave to make the decision to walk away from you, the one who used and abused and used and abused and used and abused. I am proud of me for taking a stand for righteousness. Oh, I know I have had my unrighteousness as well. As a result of being neglected, not just sexually, I turned towards the only thing I discovered would in the short term ease the emotional pain and torment I was in. At first it was just fun to drink or get high. That eventually turned into my escape. I was as love starved then as I ever was. I became like an empty bag inside, the more I tried to put in the emptier I became. I never sought to have an affair, but as any who were hungry to be seen, needed, desired and wanted I fell easily into the hands of a man who paid attention to me. It was short lived and mostly phone conversations, but I felt alive for the first time in a long time as a woman.

This opened the door for more of the same…. And the continual desire for you, my own husband who continually rejected and turned me away for others in your fantasy world. Woman you could control and dominate in every way.

When I got sober, that scared you… I asked for a years’ time to get sober and figure me out… you vehemently refused and accused me of wanting to do so, so that at the end of that year I could leave you. Needless to say, it was you who had in mind the leaving. You took a job up north, moved out of our home and got divorce papers. For whatever reason you came back home seven months later and took a job at the Green Mill (1995- 2004) which would also prove to be disastrous for our marriage and family.

I was born again in December of 1997… sometime after that I discovered you were having multiple affairs with women you worked with, you were the boss and took liberties… and in front of my face and then turned around and denied it. You bought a cell phone with out my knowledge and used it to contact those women… I started coming to have lunch with you at work so the women would know you are married… when I asked when you fell in love with the bartender, you popped of 1998… I asked when you fell in love with me and could not answer… maybe you never did, maybe I was just an object from the beginning….

I confronted you and gave you the opportunity to choose… them or me. Painstakingly you decided to stay married, not sure why, sexlessness with me and your adultery continued…. Masturbating and fantasizing about whoever you chose to, living or not. One time you told me that you masturbate while fantasizing about me… as if that made me feel any better, I was thrown into the pile with all the others, not set apart and special… just one of thousands you have used and abused…. Essentially ripping my heart out and destroying any trust I had had. You were deceptive and cruel to me… speaking mean things over me… like if I was smarter like my sister in law, you’d be more stimulated by me… if I was smart enough, sexy, pretty or intellectual enough… the message was I’d never be able to meet your needs… but boy, I sure tried, over and over again… I now know, I am more than enough for you, it is my power that you are afraid of… it was you who denied me access to meet your needs… sexual and otherwise.

Even though we went to marriage classes or bible studies, like the one you walked out in the middle of because you were about to be discovered, when it came to implementing the tools, Duane you were not interested in changing or being a team player.. you were deceiving yourself and me. This gave me a sense of hope only to be let down over and over again. You were walking in self righteousness believing I was the problem.

If I would just stop asking you for anything I was told, I would not be so disappointed when you didn’t do it. NOT…

I kept lowering my standards to see if that would help or make a difference… yeah, one anniversary you were so flippin' hard hearted as to not even get me a card…it was the only thing I asked for.. then you tried to leave me one on the table the next morning before going to work… rookie mistake ??? NOT… Guilty

I don’t know why really that I kept forgiving you, other than that as a follower and lover of Jesus, this is what I was called to do… some mentors kept telling me to not concern myself with what you were doing… it seems that they were rubber stamping your adultery… maybe they really did not know how to confront it either… one told me to get down on my face and repent because I wasn’t like~ loving you rightly… these were women of God, or so I thought, I had trusted them…

Though you have not struck me with your hand, your words, your actions your inaction's and the words not spoken were the worst… those things that every man knows he should want to do for his wife, you chose not to… this created an unbelievable amount of self doubt and deprecation so that Satan no longer had to whisper in my ear… I unwittingly believed him because what was said coincided with how I was being treated, rather in how I was mistreated. The dog got more attention than I….. how sad is that to make a girl feel needed wanted or loved?

When it was time to look for a new home, you let me… again, your work was more important than doing this together and to some degree it was simpler… oh but where was your investment… I was told when you find the one you want, let you know and you’d come take a look at. This time you did help with the move…. But nothing else, I guess you thought I could handle it all…. Of course, since I am a go getter, I rose to the occasion…. I also recall you yelling at the boys to get out there and help your mother… things that were your responsibility you put on them…

Your heart was invested into your work and those that loved Dewey! You were the boss and then the BIG boss.. your dream come true, all the while you were ripping your family apart… giving gifts to the women at work, marking their personal achievements… not willing to take time off while I went on my first mission trip to care for our son in 2002, rather partying drinking (and driving) at the Octoberfest celebration at work.. your girlfriend kissing you then later denying it while I held the picture in front of your face! Why would you even bring that picture into our home, ok, garage if you didn’t want to get caught, or is it because you thought it no big deal that she was kissing you?

It seems to me that you make up all your own rules… once you told me that if I had only had sex once with someone else you would have forgiven me… I thought that odd then and did not discover why for decades… it became clear to me that that was your standard, if you did anything just once with someone other than your wife it is a forgivable offense.. it was sick and selfish thinking, sick narcissistic believing~ and then, you tried to blame me as if what I did gave you permission to do the same and or more…. I was duped into believing that I was the unfaithful one.. when all along from the beginning you were kissing women at most of your workplaces ~ that you admit to anyway.. and what else were you doing with them in our bedroom and bathroom….

I've made the decision and have chosen to forgive you, however, my trust must be earned....